Walking on eggshells
I do a lot of defining myself in negatives. I don’t just mean that I am derogatory towards myself. I mean that I think of myself in terms of, “I am not like _____; I do not do _____” It is one way of...
View ArticleCaved.
I sat down yesterday at my computer intending to buy three tickets to Texas for December. I said to Shanna, “You understand that I’m not going, right?” Her eyes got as wide as saucers. “But you have to...
View ArticleJust another whinging Friday
It isn’t that I think my kids are bad or anything. They are just excellent boundary pushers. I want them to push boundaries. I flat encourage them in that direction. I want children who are tenacious,...
View Articleit will be a busy weekend.
Yesterday was the second of five kid social events that I have scheduled in two weeks. Because I was having feelings this was the first time I have deliberately sat away from the group and declined...
View ArticleHow to answer
Shanna keeps asking me when we are going to see people. She is specific. “When will I see ____ again?” I don’t know. “When will I go to ______’s house again?” I don’t know. “When will I get to play...
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A shorter brain dump.
I apologize for the terrible typos. Welcome to the world of first drafts. I’m a generalist. Not a.. whatever I wrote instead. (I’ve already forgotten. Awesome.) I spent a while yesterday fantasizing...
View Articlestart of a bad cycle?
I have so much anxiety right now that I am shaking and not sleeping. I got less than five hours tonight and I am so full of adrenaline there is no chance I will sleep again. I deleted everything off my...
View ArticleCatch up sleep is my friend.
I got nine hours of sleep last night. I only manage such a feat a few times a year so I’m excited. I medicated for sleep last night. I don’t do that much. Mostly I just medicate the day-time anxiety so...
View Articleviolence
Yesterday I bought more than $100 of vitamins. I have ~ 7 days of pot left. I think that will be when I stop. I’m not going to get more to make it through the end of the year. With the break for the...
View Articlebitterness and “family”
I have an unusual amount of hostility towards the concept of family. I understand very well that family is not just made up of blood and dna. Family is about showing up consistently and keeping...
View ArticleUnder promise; over deliver.
About six years ago I started seeing a guy for massages. A few months into knowing one another I said, “We are more ‘friendly acquaintances’ than ‘friends'” and he took that as a challenge. He’s been...
View ArticleI need you.
Those three words make my heart start racing like I just completed a sprint. You need me? OK! What do you need?! I CAN DO IT! This morning my baby woke up scared and needed to cuddle me. Easy peasy. I...
View ArticleI worry about these bounces.
We’ve had a very good weekend. I medicated so my mood was better. I worry a lot about how I fuck with medication and go up and down in mood. My shrink confirms for me that the unpredictability of mood...
View ArticlePut your own oxygen mask on first.
I used to think it was useful for me to think of people as “family”. Tonight I got to have dinner then go to the Diana Gabaldon speaking engagement with a woman I used to think of as a big sister. I...
View ArticleLike it goes.
Yesterday was a banner day. One friend said she isn’t going to be able to see me for a while. That whole I’m too intense thing. It’s appropriate, fair, and the right thing to do if someone needs space....
View ArticleBalance?
I’ve got to tell you… adding a surprise trip to Hawaii when we are going to do the bathroom remodel and go on a big trip next year and and and… It feels like a manic cycle. It feels dangerous and...
View ArticleHoops, self-care, and being mercenary.
Today was the kind of day where I walk out of therapy saying, “That’s why I pay for therapy.” It doesn’t happen every time. I’ve spent the last two weeks wondering why I pay for therapy. Then I get...
View ArticleFood, connection, triggers, projecting, all the good stuff
It is very rare that I ask someone for permission before I write about something. Mostly I think, “If you didn’t want me to write about it you shouldn’t have done it.” Sometimes I try to recognize that...
View ArticleModeling
I had a thought about things being easier with former-students than friends. People tell me that I sound like I think I am better than people–because I’m such a bossy know it all. Mostly I have massive...
View ArticleHoly crud out of the blue
I was sitting at dinner with my lovely family and out of the blue I had really strong visualization of cutting myself really badly. Cutting myself in flamboyant, very attention-getting ways. Razor...
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